I envy people sometimes. They know who they are, who they're not - and completely embrace the whole package. They walk with their heads held high - they know that there may be a dozen others who are nicer, smarter, prettier, kinder, sexier, mas mabango, mas maputi (ano pa ba..) - but this doesn't bother them a bit.
In short:
They know their worth.
They're not perfect but they know they have something to offer, that there's probably more than a dozen people out there whose life they brighten just by being in it.
How does one know what he can offer? Does it come to you in that semi-second before you finally let yourself surrender to sleep? Does it need to be verbalized by someone close to your heart? Do you see it when you look in the mirror? If there's a surefire way to unravel this mystery, please let me know.
I remember back in HS, Belle was paying me a compliment. And my reply was "Utot mo." (really, I'm a boy. No sane girl would dare use that phrase. Tsk.) I carry that batang-kalyeng-sagot with me till now. It's ironic: "Thank you" is a phrase I say a lot to people - when they're doing something for me. But it escapes my teeny-weeny-brain when they see something in me that they like.
Sabi ko nga, I'd really love it if I could go back in time and waddle knee-deep in my memories to find out that exact moment when my insecurities started. Or how it started. I would imagine, it'd probably be one of the biggest cha-ching! moments in my life. Eureka! Ganun.
Someone once told me I'm too hard on myself. No, I don't feel the itch to be the prettiest, the nicest, or the smartest or whatever -est you can think of. I just have a hard time accepting that some people really do love me. And that maybe, just maybe, I'm a ray of sunshine for them.
There are nights when I'd just lie down and think of this mess I'm in. Some nights, I'd be strong and swear that tomorrow would be the start of a brand new me. That I'd bravely look in the mirror and tell myself "You're nice. You look decent. You're someone worth loving." Or liking, at the very least. But then there are also nights when it would be so difficult. I have no idea why.
But don't worry. I'm getting there.
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4 comments:
awwww. love yah bom:) i know you're worth more than you can imagine. trust me;) i'm really glad we're friends up till now, and i really treasure our friendship. you mean alot to me even if we barely get to talk and share our day-to-day lives.
you're really a beautiful person inside out (and don't dare tell me UTOT. hahahaha! i still use that word though:P). you're truly truly blessed:)
i don't think there's someone out there who's totally, completely secure in their self-worth (unless uber egomaniac sila!). take if from me - i'm the queen of insecurities!
i think i knew when my insecurities started, but i guess it wasn't really a big help to me, knowing that exact moment. i've been battling with my insecurities for God know's how long. still do, as a matter of fact.
"I just have a hard time accepting that some people really do love me" - yep, i know this feeling. i know how it is to question whether what you are, or what you have, will ever be good enough for someone else. and then there are those moments when you feel so happy and then you suddenly ask yourself whether you deserve it.
they say that you don't need another person to tell you you're worth. and that's right. pero minsan ang hirap hirap paniwalaan yung sarili mo.
yeah, sometimes we are being too hard on ourselves. after all, we are our own harshest critic. but for what it's worth, i like you as you are, and so do other people. and, well, sometimes that's just good enough.
ngek! nobela na naman! hahaha...
I know what you mean... sabi nga ni Steve he's surprised to find out I can be insecure sometimes when all this time he's known me, I've always struck him as this person whose always so confident.
There are times when I feel as if I'm not enough.. but then nobody is really perfect so I guess what I lack, I gain in some other aspect. Sabi nga nila, "before you can love someone else, you have to learn how to love yourself first.."
Sometimes it's hard to believe that you are worth it all - love, happiness, etc. but trust me, you deserve it. Everyone always has something unique to offer.. minsan it's the combination of those little things that you take for granted that make you special. You don't always have to see it in you, you just to trust that others see and love what you sometimes take for granted.
Here's something I came across another friend's blog:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Thanks Kaye, Jela, and Karen for the nice words :)
Lucky to have great friends like you 3 :)
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