I'm exhausted.
We're going on 3mos without a yaya-slash-househelp. Trying to do everything on my own (and the usual delegating of some chores to Jai) because I don't want to burden other people with house chores. Kaso ang hirap talaga. Maybe if I were a housewife, ok lang.. But no, I have to work... And at punishing hours at that. I wonder how Sara does it in the US? :(
I do enjoy doing household chores.. It reminds me of my first and foremost role in life - mother and wife. Pero sa kakulitan ni Khalel at sa late nights sa office, it's just impossible to do it with a happy heart all the time. I can feel my body complaining. Migraine's been visiting me more often now.. Pimple on my nose (again! Pimple, I have a wedding to attend (hahaha) in June, pleaaaassseee go away.). Can't seem to sleep.. And when I wake up, I feel like I haven't slept at all.. Maybe I am getting old na talaga :(
On another note, I am still emotionally troubled. I cried over it with Jai 2 days ago. He said he didn't think it has been affecting me this much - well, think again, my dear. I do think it's one of the reasons I'm not feeling well. We've talked about it already.. I said my piece, he said his. He's right, as usual. Have made steps to hopefully forget this *bwisit na* phase. C'mon, 1) it's not my life, 2) it's as if I don't have enough to worry about!!!
I wonder - am I stupid for letting it affect me this much? Why am I so affected anyway?????!!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
just because i need to!
The one who loves more least controls the relationship.
---
Heheheheh :) Another one of my cryptic messages, sorry!!! Not meant for Jai :)
---
Heheheheh :) Another one of my cryptic messages, sorry!!! Not meant for Jai :)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
twit
Are you happy that you're isolated from the world and the only people you talk to are people who probably don't even know the whole story? You're so caught up in the past that you've forgotten about everything else. That there are other people who matter. I doubt if that's really love. As the cliche goes, if you love someone, you set him free. You're doing it out of spite. You're doing it because you're selfish, no matter what you say your reasons are. You're doing it to get even... And by doing so, you've turned off a good number of people, me included. So sorry to be mean about this - maybe that's what you're really good at - losing people you love.
Maybe you haven't totally accepted what happened. That's ok. But that doesn't give you the license to snoop around and act like the goddamn FBI. Or to make people feel like you're holding them hostage.
I hate all your lies, the pretensions, the seemingly two-faced facade. I feel like there's a monster inside you waiting to come out, behind that sweet smile. I don't know where you keep all that anger inside of you. Doesn't it bother you at all? Do you sleep peacefully at night? Is your day consumed by thoughts of revenge, you literally don't get anything else done? I bet that's how your week looks like. Heck, that's how you've spent the past 2months. What a waste.
You're probably beyond saving now. I will stop trying to do so. No notes in FB, no well-meant texts, no amount of prayer have persuaded you to stop your so-called mission. The mission is pathetic by the way. Maybe he's right, something completely unfriendly may be the only thing that will stop you. Like the police. Or your parents. And I will try my darnest best not to care when that happens. I think I've cared long enough.
Oh, and btw.. YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU. You just can't.
---
Sorry for this post, it's meant for someone I'm having trouble with. I can't talk about it to anyone, so I'm just posting it here. Which probably defeats the purpose of its "secrecy" but what the hell. I'll probably delete this tomorrow anyway, I just had to do this today.
I'm sorry if I offend anyone. It's not my personality to turn a blind eye to things happening to people close to me. I will always try to help. And I hate it when my help gets mistaken for something else. And more so if I feel abused.
---
Anyway I should probably create a new blog or a twitter account to serve as my catch-all of thoughts I don't want to post here or in FB. Grr.
Maybe you haven't totally accepted what happened. That's ok. But that doesn't give you the license to snoop around and act like the goddamn FBI. Or to make people feel like you're holding them hostage.
I hate all your lies, the pretensions, the seemingly two-faced facade. I feel like there's a monster inside you waiting to come out, behind that sweet smile. I don't know where you keep all that anger inside of you. Doesn't it bother you at all? Do you sleep peacefully at night? Is your day consumed by thoughts of revenge, you literally don't get anything else done? I bet that's how your week looks like. Heck, that's how you've spent the past 2months. What a waste.
You're probably beyond saving now. I will stop trying to do so. No notes in FB, no well-meant texts, no amount of prayer have persuaded you to stop your so-called mission. The mission is pathetic by the way. Maybe he's right, something completely unfriendly may be the only thing that will stop you. Like the police. Or your parents. And I will try my darnest best not to care when that happens. I think I've cared long enough.
Oh, and btw.. YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU. You just can't.
---
Sorry for this post, it's meant for someone I'm having trouble with. I can't talk about it to anyone, so I'm just posting it here. Which probably defeats the purpose of its "secrecy" but what the hell. I'll probably delete this tomorrow anyway, I just had to do this today.
I'm sorry if I offend anyone. It's not my personality to turn a blind eye to things happening to people close to me. I will always try to help. And I hate it when my help gets mistaken for something else. And more so if I feel abused.
---
Anyway I should probably create a new blog or a twitter account to serve as my catch-all of thoughts I don't want to post here or in FB. Grr.
Monday, January 18, 2010
rant for the day
Stop talking about my weight!! Stop it, just stop it!! Nakakabuwisit na.
I don't comment that you're fat ah? Stop provoking me!
I don't comment that you're fat ah? Stop provoking me!
Friday, January 15, 2010
trial makeup #1
Since I think (and fervently hope) that this is my more "private" public site than my Facebook site, I'd like to ask for constructive comments on my first trial makeup. Should I go for something lighter? Should I go for a different shade of blush?
Bawal ka mag-comment, Miguel!!! Grrr!
Makeup has always been tricky for me. And my makeup artist said so herself - parang ang bilis daw tumapang ng mukha ko kahit konting makeup pa lang. In other words - nagmumukha akong bading. As in!!! I can't pinpoint what exactly it is that makes me look harsh.. Maybe it's because my face is already thin and pointed so if I emphasize my features, parang grrr. Ewan. Kaya rin I don't like wearing too much makeup. But that won't work in photos kasi (Nelwin will kill me!!) so I have to have makeup, whether I like it or not.
Disregard my hair there, I'm still thinking what I should do with my hair. Don't know what will suit me. It should be something that makes me look fatter.
And oh, this is for my (ermmm, our) wedding btw :)
Bawal ka mag-comment, Miguel!!! Grrr!
Makeup has always been tricky for me. And my makeup artist said so herself - parang ang bilis daw tumapang ng mukha ko kahit konting makeup pa lang. In other words - nagmumukha akong bading. As in!!! I can't pinpoint what exactly it is that makes me look harsh.. Maybe it's because my face is already thin and pointed so if I emphasize my features, parang grrr. Ewan. Kaya rin I don't like wearing too much makeup. But that won't work in photos kasi (Nelwin will kill me!!) so I have to have makeup, whether I like it or not.
Disregard my hair there, I'm still thinking what I should do with my hair. Don't know what will suit me. It should be something that makes me look fatter.
And oh, this is for my (ermmm, our) wedding btw :)
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
i miss him :(
This picture is the brainchild of Jai. This was taken on Khalel's first birthday :) The jacket is Jai's Arsenal jacket (given by Ebe).. He wants to take a picture of Khalel wearing it every year, on his birthday, so we'll be able to see how much he has grown year on year :) Masyadong malaki pa talaga yung jacket kaya nagmukhang super oversized prisoner's jacket hahahaha :P
I suddenly miss him lang :( I miss his makulit smile when he wakes up in the morning. I miss him lunging at me because he wants to nurse. I miss his pa-cute looks. I miss his longing gestures when he wants to be carried. Gusto ko na umuwi :( Now na.
Monday, January 04, 2010
when love takes over :)
Being in an relationship with someone from a different religion elicits a lot of questions from friends and acquaintances alike. I'm used to questions such as "Are you converting?", "Mahirap ba?", "Paano yung babies nyo?", and the ever-funny question "So pano yan pag may ibang asawa si Jai?" Hahaha (VERY sarcastic laugh)!
But seriously.. You ask, is it difficult? Yes, at times. I actually cried when he got "baptized" to Islam. It's not because I don't like Islam - it's just the finality that it signified: my baby, my own flesh and blood, won't be joining me in prayer. I know I said yes to Khalel being a Muslim many many months before... but I guess it really didn't sink in until I saw him being dedicated to Allah. I cried also because it's a ritual that's very different from what I am accustomed to. It is difficult on Sundays - when we have to arrange for a setup where I can hear Mass and he'll have someone else to help him with Khalel. But I find it so ironic that people think it's just difficult FOR ME and not for him. Is it because we're a predominantly Christian country? It is difficult for him not to be with me during Fridays - when they say their prayers... Difficult for him during Ramadan because he can't eat with us. Difficult for him because he has to politely decline meals prepared by my family because it has the occasional hotdog. I do believe though it's a choice - whether we make it doubly hard for ourselves or not.
See, I love being a Catholic. I love going to Mass. I love celebrating it with my whole family every Sunday. I'm far from being an ideal Catholic - but I do recognize God's hand in my life... I recognize his power, his mercy, his unconditional LOVE for all of us. I know my parents and close friends have several misgivings about my relationship with Jai and vice-versa - we (me & Jai) have talked about it and we are, funnily enough, ok with it. It makes us all the more appreciative of their support despite their initial misgivings.
Being exposed to Islam has taught me several things. I've learned Jesus is a very special prophet in their religion. It is deemed that Christianity is the closest religion to Islam. They recognize our prophets - Abraham, Moses, Jacob, etc. It was Angel Gabriel who relayed the message of Islam to Muhammad. Their 5 pillars are belief in one God, prayer, charity, fasting and pilgrimage - in that order. The age-long tradition of having more than 1 wife stemmed from women being widowed because of war - the men in their community take it upon themselves to support the widows and their children. It's just that some men abuse this "freedom" to have multiple wives, especially in recent times. Since we are not at war these days, I don't support Jai getting a second wife for himself hahaha :) The very essence of Islam is actually not that different from Christianity. And knowing all these things makes me wonder why we have such crude notions about it and Muslims in general.
I do believe we worship the same God, we just call him by different names. This is why religion has never been one of my criteria when choosing whom I'm going to spend the rest of my life with or even go on a date with. I know some people may not have a similar view as mine, and I respect that... it is for this reason that I somehow expect the world to understand mine.
----
I was browsing Facebook the other day and I just realized - I am so happy I decided to let go!!! Hahaha (pero serious iyon :)) I don't like blogging na semi-blind item, pero ayaw ko rin mag-mention ng specifics hahaha :)
I remember why I let go. How I did it. when and where I did it. And I don't regret it one bit! I remember kasi the last time I refused to let go. I remember it quite distinctly, despite my very bad, anesthesia-muddled memory. I would cry buckets and buckets of tears in the office, pour my heart out to Jen and Jelaine (and to Mark, occasionally..). I think in my heart of hearts, I knew it was the last time I was going to cry. That I deserve so much better. That I had given it truly my all but it always wasn't enough. In short, bingo na.
Jai is a gem (or girls lang ba ang tinatawag na gems?? but anywaaaayyy...) :) And I am so lucky to have him :)
(despite the occasional please-don't-disturb-me-with-housechores-I-am-busy-with-my-PS2 moments, which are very frustrating, believe me!!)
----
5 more months till June 28! :)
And I am excited! And panicking at the same time!!!
If for some reason, Jai, you're going to read this, please remember:
- submit the music to Belle
- the judge
- your suit
- the bridal car
- the emcee
- and something about the invites that I still have to talk to you about :P
I will just add on to this list pag may naalala akong assignment mo :) This way, you won't accuse me of being a nagging bride-zilla!!! So check this entry from time to time hahahaa :)
But seriously.. You ask, is it difficult? Yes, at times. I actually cried when he got "baptized" to Islam. It's not because I don't like Islam - it's just the finality that it signified: my baby, my own flesh and blood, won't be joining me in prayer. I know I said yes to Khalel being a Muslim many many months before... but I guess it really didn't sink in until I saw him being dedicated to Allah. I cried also because it's a ritual that's very different from what I am accustomed to. It is difficult on Sundays - when we have to arrange for a setup where I can hear Mass and he'll have someone else to help him with Khalel. But I find it so ironic that people think it's just difficult FOR ME and not for him. Is it because we're a predominantly Christian country? It is difficult for him not to be with me during Fridays - when they say their prayers... Difficult for him during Ramadan because he can't eat with us. Difficult for him because he has to politely decline meals prepared by my family because it has the occasional hotdog. I do believe though it's a choice - whether we make it doubly hard for ourselves or not.
See, I love being a Catholic. I love going to Mass. I love celebrating it with my whole family every Sunday. I'm far from being an ideal Catholic - but I do recognize God's hand in my life... I recognize his power, his mercy, his unconditional LOVE for all of us. I know my parents and close friends have several misgivings about my relationship with Jai and vice-versa - we (me & Jai) have talked about it and we are, funnily enough, ok with it. It makes us all the more appreciative of their support despite their initial misgivings.
Being exposed to Islam has taught me several things. I've learned Jesus is a very special prophet in their religion. It is deemed that Christianity is the closest religion to Islam. They recognize our prophets - Abraham, Moses, Jacob, etc. It was Angel Gabriel who relayed the message of Islam to Muhammad. Their 5 pillars are belief in one God, prayer, charity, fasting and pilgrimage - in that order. The age-long tradition of having more than 1 wife stemmed from women being widowed because of war - the men in their community take it upon themselves to support the widows and their children. It's just that some men abuse this "freedom" to have multiple wives, especially in recent times. Since we are not at war these days, I don't support Jai getting a second wife for himself hahaha :) The very essence of Islam is actually not that different from Christianity. And knowing all these things makes me wonder why we have such crude notions about it and Muslims in general.
I do believe we worship the same God, we just call him by different names. This is why religion has never been one of my criteria when choosing whom I'm going to spend the rest of my life with or even go on a date with. I know some people may not have a similar view as mine, and I respect that... it is for this reason that I somehow expect the world to understand mine.
----
I was browsing Facebook the other day and I just realized - I am so happy I decided to let go!!! Hahaha (pero serious iyon :)) I don't like blogging na semi-blind item, pero ayaw ko rin mag-mention ng specifics hahaha :)
I remember why I let go. How I did it. when and where I did it. And I don't regret it one bit! I remember kasi the last time I refused to let go. I remember it quite distinctly, despite my very bad, anesthesia-muddled memory. I would cry buckets and buckets of tears in the office, pour my heart out to Jen and Jelaine (and to Mark, occasionally..). I think in my heart of hearts, I knew it was the last time I was going to cry. That I deserve so much better. That I had given it truly my all but it always wasn't enough. In short, bingo na.
Jai is a gem (or girls lang ba ang tinatawag na gems?? but anywaaaayyy...) :) And I am so lucky to have him :)
(despite the occasional please-don't-disturb-me-with-housechores-I-am-busy-with-my-PS2 moments, which are very frustrating, believe me!!)
----
5 more months till June 28! :)
And I am excited! And panicking at the same time!!!
If for some reason, Jai, you're going to read this, please remember:
- submit the music to Belle
- the judge
- your suit
- the bridal car
- the emcee
- and something about the invites that I still have to talk to you about :P
I will just add on to this list pag may naalala akong assignment mo :) This way, you won't accuse me of being a nagging bride-zilla!!! So check this entry from time to time hahahaa :)
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