The Five Love Languages
by Gary Chapman
Your spouse may not speak the same love language that you do. Learn to communicate the depth of your affection in a way that your spouse can understand.Early in my marriage, I had visions of what married life was supposed to be like. My wife, Karolyn, didn't fulfill those visions.
I remember a Valentine's Day when I bought Karolyn a pearl necklace. She opened it and said, "That's very nice, darling." I was disappointed because she wasn't as ecstatic as I thought she should be. At dinner, she began listing things that I hadn't done for her around the house. I thought to myself, "I gave you this wonderful gift and you're criticizing me. This doesn't make sense."
Even though Karolyn was loving me by cooking the meal, I wasn't feeling loved because she was
critical.
I know now that gifts are not the primary way Karolyn receives love. She would have been much happier if I would have vacuumed the floors and forgot the gift. But that didn't make sense to me at the time. Karolyn shows her love to me through acts of service. I realize now that preparing a
Valentine's Day meal was an expression of her love.
I figured these things out after going through 20 years' worth of notes from counseling sessions with clients. In doing this, I discovered five fundamental languages of love: Gifts, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time and Physical Touch.1. Gifts
A gift is a physical symbol that the giver is thinking about you. A gift doesn't have to be expensive. People have always said that it's the thought that counts. But I remind couples that it's not the thought left in your head that counts; it's the gift that came out of the thought in your
head.2. Acts of Service
The Bible says, "Love not in word only but in deed" (Cf. 1 John 3:18). Do something. This love language is cooking meals, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, washing cars, taking the dog for a walk. It's doing anything that you know your spouse would like for you to do.
3. Words of Affirmation
Another way to express love is to use words that affirm your spouse: "You look nice in that dress." "You look sharp in that suit." "I really appreciate what you did yesterday."
4. Quality Time
Quality time is not sitting in the same room watching television. Rather, sit on the couch with the TV off and look at each other and talk. Take a walk or go out to eat, just the two of you, and talk. When you give your spouse quality time, you're focusing on him or her.5. Physical Touch
We've long known the power of physical touch: holding hands, kissing, embracing, sexual intercourse, running your hand through her hair, putting your hand on his leg as you drive down the road -- touching in an affirmingway.Each of us has a primary love language, one of the five that speaks more deeply to us than the other four. If you don't speak your spouse's primary love language, he or she may not feel loved even though you're sincere.
If words make me feel loved, I will give my spouse affirming words. But because her love language is acts of service, she won't feel loved even though I say, "I love you." She's thinking, "If you love me, you will do something."
The author also developed a self-test to assist you in discovering your primary love language. I've taken the test and the profile was right-on, I think. I'll post the test in my next post since this is getting quite long already =)
To close, I think this article would explain how sometimes, couples (or even friends) doubt their partner's love for them (this is talking from personal experience). There's a continuous need to understand where the other person is coming from and then try to meet halfway.
"It doesn't mean that a person doesn't love you completely just because he doesn't love you the way you want him to."
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