not the best of days..

Today was close to being one of the worst days of my life. Nothing extremely bad happened. But it's the feeling I have right now, typing this, that makes me say so. I hate myself.

I hate being rude to people. But sometimes, I just have to. And sometimes, my emotions just get the best of me.

Maybe the people I'm rude to doesn't really deserve it, and for that I am sorry... But it's either time with Khalel or time spent on work when I'm already on leave. Heck, I've been on leave starting last week, but a day hasn't passed when I don't get a call or multiply texts asking about work. To correct that - when have I EVER taken a leave when I just rested in peace the whole day?

And Khalel has no yaya. So forgive me if I'm a bit short-fused the past couple of weeks - work during the day, laundry and house-cleaning before I go to bed, tossing and turning during the night because Khalel needs his milk, prepare his things in the morning, and the whole cycle repeats itself. It is tiring. Really really tiring. But maybe I shouldn't expect people to understand..

Work. I hate it that I can't get out of it JUST BECAUSE. I'm this close to giving up. Aside from the 12-hour shift almost everyday, I have to contend with proving myself everyday. That I deserve to be there. Maybe I really don't deserve to be there. Maybe I do. I hate this feeling. It keeps on nagging at the back of my head, makes me second-guess everything I do or say. It's tiring thinking about it. It's painful feeling this way. Even more than the physical punishment I go through that comes with being a working mom.

And then... someone I'm trying to help may just end up getting mad at me. So I'm second-guessing again what I did wrong.. Where I went wrong. Should I not have attempted to help at all?