XOXO

My mom played a cruel joke on me the other night. We (me, my Ate, and my Dad) came home a bit late because we were all finishing a lot of things in our respectice offices, so when I came up to their room to give her a kiss, she was already asleep (she has this weird 9pm sleeping time - 9pm, can you imagine?!). But it was her sleeping position that really irked me. She was lying flat on her back (which is kinda off because she usually sleeps on her side) with her arms clasped up to her chest just so. Basta. It reminded me of dead people. Grr. So after I kissed her, I stayed there for a while to check if she's still breathing, if her chest's still moving up and down. When I was convinced that she was breathing okay, I proceeded to my room but not without touching her foot first to check if it's warm. Grr.

Only to have her kid about my behavior the next day - "Para kang engot kagabi, anong ginagawa mo, tinitingnan mo na naman kung humihinga ako." Grr.

This is no laughing matter, okay? My Ate has Lupus (go research on it because it'd be too long if I explain it - basta yun yung kinamatay ni Marcos). Some days, it's active, some days it's on remission. On days when it's troubling her, she's get these really painful cramps all over her body and she can't sleep very well. And on some nights, she makes all these sounds when she's dreaming, parang umuungol. And it takes me ages to wake her up. You can just imagine the panic I feel inside when she doesn't wake up even if I'm already slapping her. So my fear of people dying on me is quite real. Ooh, and not to mention I saw this text once in the Drafts section of her cellphone - "I love you Dad, I love you Mom, I love you Bom, I love you Mac, I love you Tonette." Some kind of final message if she dies unexpectedly (because you never really know with Lupus - it's quite a puzzling disease that has no cure)? I honestly wanted to throw her cellphone when I read it. That's what I get for snooping around.

So anyway. I sometimes feel like I'm such a bitch for not telling and showing my family I love them enough. You know how I love hugs? Well, I don't give them hugs all that much. And when they try to hug me, I tend to push them away. Not for anything, I guess I'm just not comfortable. I do love hugs from them, it's just the thought that if they knew how much I love it, it might be icky.

I also realized the other day that my parents are not getting any younger. Sure, they're up and about as if they were only 30 instead of 50, but still. The slightest hint that they're not feeling well gets me worried already. What if it develops into something more serious? What if? What if?

Stop with the what ifs and go hug them, buddy.