Traumatized

Does one need to experience actual fear to be able to say that he's been traumatized? In my case, no. I dwell on others' experiences and imagine them over and over as if they were my own.

Of course, I am exaggerating here - trauma is such a big word - but in my own little world, that is what I have become. I am scared of a lot of things, and my mom often calls me on it, saying I just have to pray more to overcome these fears - and maybe I do need to pray more but more on that in another post.

Close friends would know that my heart skips a beat everytime I see dogs, even small cute ones. My first reaction is to turn around and go back the way I came from. Or I would call for help no matter how many meters they are from me. I have never been bitten by a dog my whole life, so you'd probably wonder how this unfounded fear came about. See, my older sister got bitten by 3 different dogs when we were kids. And I vividly remember all 3 times - the dogs' violent bites, my sister's shock, applying luya in the wound, rushing to the clinic - and I've never been a dog lover ever since. One day back when I was small, I remember going home from church and our huge dog got out of her leash and was barking like crazy. Not thinking twice, I made a mad dash to our front door but not before I caught a glimpse of her panting hard to catch me. I think that's the most terrifying thing that has happend to me. Now, I can't even get myself to pat puppies in the back, to have them lick my feet, to play ball with them. It saddens me to think that I'm missing a lot, especially when I see my family play with our Shih-Tzus or when I see Dong playing around with his own Shih-Tzu. But I just can't bring myself to do it.

I also have this recurring fear of intruders entering our house in the middle of the night and robbing us blind - and worse, physically hurting us. Blame it on blatant pictures of massacres splashed in the media these days or me watching too many CSI episodes even if I know that I'll be seeing the images and remembering the stories for weeks. I always double-check if our bedroom door's locked and close the drapes so that my imagination won't run wild. Sometimes, I check all the things in our bedroom and imagine how I can use them as weapons, when necessary. Pretty weird. This is also why I don't think I can stand having a room all to myself. I would rather sleep sandwiched between my parents and be labelled as a scaredy-cat than sleep on my own.

Just tonight, a Purefoods player went down hard and stayed lying there for 30 minutes. He couldn't feel a thing from the waist down and just watching him, I got cold all over. Imagine someone who's around 6'5" with a big tattoo on his arm, crying, because he couldn't feel anything. Images like these really get to me (and it didn't help that the PBA kept playing the incidents that led to his fall, and in slow motion too). I know, I know, I don't play basketball, but my brother and Dong do and I get scared for them.

It's like I'm afraid that just because I've seen "bad" things, it will also to happen to me or to people I love. I think that's the worst fear of all - fearing something that hasn't really happened so you're on your toes everytime, expecting the worst. I am not sure if I'll ever grow out of this phase, but for the meantime, I'll follow my mom's advice and pray.