reality check :)

After 3 months of "resting," I'm back at work. My days are again all about meetings, Excel files, and rush lunches. Parang katulad ng dati, with a HUGE difference - someone occupies my mind every minute that I'm here, wala akong time makipag-dinner at maki-gimik kasi gusto ko na umuwi :) No, hindi si Jai ang iniisip ko, kundi si little Jai :)



Khalel's really brought a lot of changes :) Good ones, of course :) I've learned to think of someone else first before myself - tipong, hindi ko na maalala kailan yung last mall trip ko na hindi nagmamadali kasi hinihintay na ako ni Khalel sa bahay; isipin ko mang bumili ng damit para sa'kin, iisipin ko muna 100x at ang end result ay hindi ko na bibilhin; wala nang hiya-hiya pag bumibili ng bagay, for example, kung mahal, sasabihin ko talaga na "ay, ang mahal!" dati kasi nahihiya ako magsabi ng ganun hehehe; I'm now more conscious of my savings (goodbye credit cards! :)) because I want him to go to a good school someday; I bought my breastpump for 15K without so much as batting an eyelash, just because it's for my baby's benefit :) Isipin niyo kung ilang Topshop na damit ang mabibili ko sa 15K :) Pero ok lang, di ko pinagsisisihan :)

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Sheila (Jai's sister) had to give him a couple of ounces of formula milk last week because my milk supply was not enough :( Nalungkot talaga ako. I've been exclusively breastfeeding him since the day he was born and thinking that I'm already not able to provide his milk 100% hurts a bit :( I feel guilty, because it's the only thing I can give him that's all me kasi I have to leave him with Jai's family while I'm working, and yet hindi ko na maibigay :( I still breastfeed of course, and I try my darnest best to pump milk every 2-3hrs while I'm here in the office, but sadly, I'm not like those who are blessed with an abundant milk supply na tipong pisilin mo lang yung boobs, woooossh, abot kabilang dulo ng room yung milk :) Promise, merong mga ganun :) I've done everything - drink lots of fluids, take malunggay capsules, pump often - pero wala talaga. My mom said it's normal to feel guilty, because she also felt that way 4x over when she had to go back to work with all 4 of us. I guess it's really inevitable that he has to drink formula. I was just hoping I'd be able to hold it off a bit longer, say, when he's 6mos already kaso mukhang imposible :)

Me writing this entry is me accepting our situation :) In denial kasi ako :) I keep thinking I'm a bad mom, pero siguro naman hindi :)