that time of the month again

Ang lungkot :(

Walang specific na reason. Pero napapansin ko pag month-end, parati ako malungkot. I don't get to spend time with people I love as much as I want to. Sabi nga sa isang training dito sa office, I'm more inclined towards nurturing relationships kaysa mag-concentrate sa work achievements.

Mommy ko lagi na lang nagccomment na "Parang nasa New York ka pa rin..". Hayyy. At mag-t-text out of the blue ng "Hi 'nak. Miss na kita." Huhu. Gusto ko man siya i-reassure na magkikita na kami that night, hindi puwede, kasi hindi ko hawak ang schedule ko.

Atleast ngayon, nagddrama na lang siya.. Dati kasi, nang-g-guilt trip pa :( Which is one of my least favorite things in the world. I would like to believe everyone tries their best to make ends meet, to make everyone happy. Kung puwede lang hatiin yung katawan ko, ginawa ko na. Hehe. This is one of the bigger reasons why my mom and I couldn't see eye to eye before - sobrang naiinis ako pag nang-g-guilt-trip siya so I sometimes snap at her, which she detests naman (understandably). She has mellowed in time (at dahil na rin pinaiintindi sa kanya ni Daddy how the corporate world works, hehe) and I think I have too.

But going back.. Guilt trips. I associate many emotions to it. Una, naiinis ako. Tapos, maya-maya, malulungkot na ako kasi iniisip ko kung may basis ba at kung san ako nagkulang. Pero dahil hindi pa mataas ang EQ ko, nahihirapan ako kalimutan na nainis ako. But this is mostly because I feel that I don't deserve to be felt guilty over something. Especially if you're someone whom I assume understands how my mind works and how I treasure people in my life.

I have a handful of close friends whom I really don't get to talk to often due to distance or different schedules or different lives (to be completely honest), but when we do see or talk to each other, it's as if it was only yesterday since we last got together. We feel sad because we could have gotten together earlier or more often, but rather than focus on that, we just catch up on each other's lives. At ang saya kasi wala yung inis na parang pinipigilan mo lumabas. And if there are people who I would really love to be beside me during the biggest events of my life, they would be it. Not because they don't make me feel guilty, but because we know how important we are to each other without the need to measure it every single time.

That's why I appreciate my mom all the more now. Okay lang yung nalulungkot siya na wala ako, kasi malungkot rin naman ako na hindi ko sila nakakasama. I'm still sleeping when they all leave for office or for school, tapos tulog na sila pagkarating ko. I appreciate that she understands that I really don't like the setup, but I somehow have to like it because it puts food on the table (hehe, joke lang :) Basta ganun..).

Hay, I hate month-ends :( Ang sakit na nga ng katawan ko, ang lungkot pa :(